This story was previously featured in the initial issue of BOY CLUB, available now. This series will be available soon as postcards in the BOY CLUB store.
They’re long and they’re pokey—and they’re very hot right now: they’re cactuses, the trendy succulent plants that look like dicks designed by Clive Barker. To help fix your flat, we put these sharp fleshy desert dudes in cool pots and played with their prickly parts.
This ferocious little todger is actually a succulent colloquially referred to as the “Madagascar Palm.” They grow to be have very spiky trunks that lead to small five petalled flowers and long leaves.
Pachypodium wears Medium White + Red Nails Egg Vase by BZippy & Co.
Mammillaria are one of the largest cacti families—and this particular mammillaria is known for looking like a desert pincushion. Their spines are red, brown, and white and they sprout pink funnely flowers that grow along their tip like a venereal disease.
Mammillaria Spinosissima wears a Large Modern Cup by Heath Ceramics.
The other mammillaria of the group, the armillata starts off as little spiny globes that boner up, up, and up until they expand into a spiny cylinder. They produce pink flowers, too.
Mammillaria Armillata wears a found ice cream bowl.
A native Mexican plant known for being treelike, these buds can reach heights upward of 40 feet. Pachycereuses’ flower yellow and white floral tubes, which is wonderful considering that the penis produces similarly colored fluids.
Pachycereus wears a “Polka Dot” Bathing Suit Pot by Universal Isaac.
With a long name that ends in anus, it only makes sense that this cactus is a grower in the columnar group which means they grow tall all by themselves and not in a pack. These cactuses are Brazilian natives too, which is hopefully a reflection of the national member.
Coleocephalocereus Buxbaumianus wears a novelty crotch vase found in Palm Springs.
These cactuses appear cuddly and wrapped in tiny woolens but they’re actually hiding the most aggressive needles of the gang. You could call them curmudgeonly old dicks, which isn’t surprising because they’ve caught the nickname “Old Man Cactus.”
Oreocereus Trollii wears a Scribble Pot by Ben Medansky.